It struck me the wrong way, too. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. But you know what? FUCK BOARD GAMES. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. Also hi BGM. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Show interest in his interests. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. 1. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Exactly! No. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. Most of them are women. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. Too little time to post! My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. I hope the LW sees your comment. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. 1. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. bittergaymark Up to a point. I strongly agree with this. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. I hated, and still do, all of those things. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. Older and (hopefully) wiser My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Theres no excuse for that. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Spyglassez Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? He was much kinder to them.) How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. bittergaymark Seriously, this guy is an asshole. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. Nope, not from Scranton. Absolutely. painted_lady Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. This is NO accident. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. From one mom to another. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. painted_lady (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. He would watch Full House or something with us. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. This makes me so deeply jealous. Interested in science? My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. But the dad is giving the kid homework? But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Without respect there will be no relationship. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Um, no. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. Manage Settings What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. I still think hes acting out like a child. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. Why are we judging other peoples interests? Yes. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. My best friend is in that episode! If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. Did I love that stuff? A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). I was like 7.) Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. You always give good advice (duh!) He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. | When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. lets_be_honest He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. But am I mad at her now? Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! How are those pre-teen interests? That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. THIS. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. lets_be_honest Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. No. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. lets_be_honest Exactly Lily! I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. And this is his responsibility too. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. I was thinking this too. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. My husband's daughter is coming to visit. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. 6napkinburger This mother needs to chill out a bit. WOW! For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Others see him as a bully and a hole. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Find your shared interests and go from there? The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace.